Ch. 10

Morning broke out late the next day. Overcast hid the sun till it was above the mountains, then it shone through and dispersed its covers, sending down mist through the heather of the Pentland Hills.

Nele zipped through, skating the slippery downslopes to speed ahead. My balance was already zilch with friction and without it, I wobbled along taking baby steps on the slightest incline and using my hands and knees as much as my feet to get up the steep parts. My only speed was on my butt, going down, usually the wrong direction. At the flat peak of a hill, which from the bottom appeared the highest spot for miles while at the top was just a viewing point for greater things to come, Nele stopped. She held in her breath and panted through her nose to hide her lungs desperation for air with yawns, coughs, and a stony face. I was more open with my exhaustion.

She was already grabbing her ankles to stretch her quads when I arrived. “Just another morning where I beat the pants off you. Oh sorry, you’re not into that,” she scoffed. She watched my face for pain. I felt it from the burning in my chest that the wet air did nothing for.  When I had arrived this morning, she was surprised, but I immediately called myself a jackass and she had said it was fine, no big deal. Since, she had insulted my form, my clothes, my balance, and my pained panting face. “Don’t try to blame it on your ankle either.”

“It hardly hurts.”

“It still hurts?” She spun on me. “You shouldn’t be running then. Does someone really have to tell you to take a day off? We could both use it.”

“I thought you might be lonely.” Normally my smile could disarm her bad moods. She was having none of it this morning. “And it hurts less than my lungs.”

She took off for the next valley down the switchbacks that crossed the mountains so hikers never had to go straight up or straight down unless they wanted. She wanted. I did not. When I caught her to catch my breath, she told me, “I’m not going to wait all day for you. I have to keep my heart rate up.”

“I hear anger is great for that,” I muttered between sputtering out phlegm.

Her laughter died in the weeds after a few forced chuckles. “I’m not angry. But I’m here to get a workout and I’m waiting for your slow ass all day. Maybe you shouldn’t hydrate with Coke if it’s too tough for you. You wormed your way into my routine and while you kept up, I could put up with your annoying quirks like those constant smarmy remarks or your breath but if you’re dragging behind I’m going to leave you. Guess all that fight club isn’t great for your cardio. But you know, I’m starting to believe that story. Not that you never get hit because now that I’m looking for it, your nose is a bit off and so are your eyes. And you have those fat lips. Do constant beatings give acne too?” She smirked and waited for a reaction. “I’m only kidding of course. It’s probably from never showering. I thought the scent was just from our workout so I could put up with it but your whole apartment reeked.”

“That’s my roommate actually.”

“You’ve always got an excuse. It’s your ankle. It’s your roommate. There’s always someone or something to blame it on but really you’re just a failure. You try and you fail. It’s okay. Some of us have shitty lives.”

“No, really. You ran into him in the hall. Tall, smelly Australian. Curly hair. He said you’re rather bouncy for a runner,” I told her, indicating he meant her bosom which was shoved into a sports bra and exposed but covered with goose bumps on this frigid morning.

“Looks like you’re the only one in that place not interested in a woman. Why not send him out to jog? At least he’d appreciate the goods.”

“He’s never up this early. He only saw you because he’d spent the night at some chickadee’s place and was headed home to crash. It was late for him, early for regular folks so I guess it was leartly.”

“You had that whole place to yourself for a night and you didn’t bother doing anything? You were texting me! Sending smileys and winking faces. Why not invite me over?” When she paused and was met with silence, she added “Not that I’d go.”

“Of course not.”

“I wouldn’t,” she barked.

“You never look at my butt.”

“Never.”

“It’s a nice butt. I do a lot of squats. No shame in a peek.”

She looked away, just in case her eyes got ideas. “I’ve never looked at it. Only at you.”

“And you wouldn’t look unless you were interested.”

“Where else would I look if not at you?” She glared at a cloud shaped like a bunny. “We’re talking! Do you think I’m going to talk to you for a month and never look in your direction?” She was more terrifying than any alchemist I’d encountered and she wasn’t even after my life or freedom. She just felt rejected and embittered. “I’m not looking for a boyfriend,” she said. “Or even a boy-toy. Just something for a night. It could be right here, right now, right in the heather. It doesn’t have to be good but give me one last time.”

“Experience to put on your resume?” I joked.

“I’m not a whore.” It was only funny when she brought it up and I squirmed. “I don’t do boyfriends anymore. I never grew up with them. I didn’t need them then and don’t now. They were a nice change while teaching abroad though.”

“No middle school boyfriends? Not even childhood marriages officiated by your bestie on the footie field?” I asked but she shook her head and went into a stretch where she touched her toes. “How come?”

She shrugged with her face still at her knees. “Boys never want to meet my uncle. They think he’ll kill them or something.”

I had stared down her wrath so far with only a few tears in my eyes and only a slight quiver in my squeaking voice. “Is it because you’re an alchemist?” I asked. There was no sense in not asking now.

~

: okay so if I'm unhappy and I kill people because it makes me happier, it's not evil

I see. Don't tell the alchemists that.

Me: But it wouldn't make you happy.

We were having an argument. I loved arguments, debates, philosophy, skeptics, utilitarianism, logic, taking sides I didn’t care about just to experience the thrill of a heart attack and the cardio-paralysis that came with realizing I was wrong. There were few better than her to do this with, but in the past few months, our conversations had been understandably less conflict-based. But tonight had been filled with intellectual stimulus we hadn’t had since sitting in German cafes, fawning over each other but going for the throat anyway. I impressed her with my rudimentary knowledge of Hermetic Laws (the rules mostly ignored by Western countries but that dominated courts in her land and its neighbors). She asked if I knew of it from books, and I listed off several I had read years ago and gave little plot summaries. She loved that I was a book geek. It was the closest she got to sexually aroused. Once, I was waiting for her in the bathroom which was taking a while and I wouldn’t have asked because some answers are gross but she told me she had been throwing up. While waiting, I had done linear equations and graphed them on my napkin. I don’t remember why, but I swear I thought she’d take me back into the bathroom for some very romantic alone time.

But somewhere during this discussion, I had stopped impressing her and started being at odds with her views. It started with a quote, “No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.” She hated it. I kind of liked it. But the thrill started so I supported it.

Me: Or maybe that's being too optimistic. There's a sick pleasure related to it, possibly, but the pain caused as a consequence (police, war, social discord, etc) would be more of a pain than the momentary pleasure.

: that's not optimistc. there is always a right and wrong. sometimes there is nothing right about a particular thing, no matter how happy it makes you. it's why the world still functions. if we lived by that saying you just gave me, the world would actually become chaotic.

Me: It's not that there is no wrong things. It's that these evils wouldn't actually make anyone happy. They'd still flinch at it. The chaos would make them unhappy. And so they'd avoid it and go for digestives and tea instead of killing.

: you said they would choose it because it makes them happy

so technically they would be happy with the evil

which ultimately according to you makes it not evil

Me: Would the evil make them genuinely happy? No.

: I'm sorry, you're assuming? lol

so this is based on assumptions?

Me: Okay, let's take it back then to the killing. Why is killing inherently bad?

: You're taking something that isn't yours

Me: Why should I care?

: you don't have to care about that, which is why, if we all lived believing that, there would be chaos

Me: But I do care about that. Murder is nearly a universal crime. Everyone cares.

: for arguments sake

let's say

you didn't care about the chaos

then it wouldn't be evil

is what you're saying?

so it would be okay because it's your happiness

Me: I'm talking of the golden rule. I don't want anyone to kill me so I shouldn't kill anyone else. I don't want things of mine stolen so I shouldn't steal

: nobody ever wants the same things

Me: We do in a very general way. When we get to the specifics is when there's conflict and we compromise. Not everyone gets all the happiness they want

: again, lol not matching up with that quote

Me: how? Does anyone choose evil because it's evil in my argument?

: killing might not be evil if you were born taught it's a survival instinct

Me: Then when you examine it, it's a necessary evil but still taking something I wouldn't want taken from me

: you said you get into the path of evil because it makes you happy but you're saying that it actually only causes these people harm. you're assuming that.

Me: No, I'm saying you get onto the path of evil because you think it will make you happy but it's evil because in reality it causes you harm. If I eat 2 gallons of ice cream every meal and feel fine, get no cavities, don't get fat, then what's wrong with it?

: okay pick something more extreme

suicide bombers

they kill

many many people at once

but they totally believe it is the right thing to do

and it makes them happy to know they're doing it

and then they do it and they're dead after that

and at peace

Me: then they're deranged people who never suffer the consequences. If they were really going to be happy because of it, they'd do what every other deranged person has done throughout history and planted the bomb instead of being the bomb. If they stayed alive, they’d be miserable. They think they'll get into heaven, but in a fair reality, they'd get to hell.

: that's what YOU think! that's not what your quote says

: It’s exactly what it says! The road to hell is paved with good intentions. They go to hell thinking they're doing something good.

: but according to you it's good if it makes you happy!

who are you to twist it and bend it for yourself?

we made those things up for ourselves.

and with it we grew to believe them

now we believe them

and that's all it really is.

There’s no wrong.

Me: Do most people want to be killed in their sleep? No, that's why every culture has laws against murder.

: okay so explain murderers then

Me: Madness. You can't explain madness.

: madness to YOU

not to them

or other murderers

so it's not evil in their heads and that makes it "not evil" according to your quote

Me: My quote doesn't say that.

They are doing what they think will make them happy but they are wrong and they are not happy with it. It's an assumption that is absolutely 100% right.

: you're assuming they're not happy!

lol so I was right, all of this is based on assumptions

because we assume there can't be anything that twisted but the truth is, there are

Me: That's why it's madness. We don’t want this to happen.

: madness was not a part of your quote

madness is an opinion

the quote is biased towards what we have grown to think is twisted and what isn't

we made it all up.

what's allowed

what's evil

what's not.

Me: The quote says if you are unhappy doing something you thought would make you happy, stop freaking doing it!

: okay, so I murder people and I'm happy doing it. so I won't freaking stop doing it

that means, it's not evil

but you think it's madness

because you think it IS evil

you assume I'm not happy

but I actually am

Me: you're assuming they are happy

you're making up these people!

: I'm not

Me: They're not even real

: I'm telling you there is a side of this you’re not getting. They could be unhappy doing it, but you're assuming and they actually could be very happy doing this

you just don't want to think that there can be anything as fucking twisted as that

your initial quote can't stand on its own.

Me: of course not!

It's 15 words.

: yeah but it's 15 of the wrong words together

don't fucking say it if it doesn't make sense

Me: It makes sense

Responses were slower now. The thrill had died and we were tired of conflict. It was usually now that the bell rang in my philosophy class and everyone would go home, chatting with their opponents about which asshole professor had given homework this weekend. Today there was no bell, but the debate was over. I still felt some tension.

Me: Are you angry at me by the way?

: I don't think you can convince me of that quote lol

I'm happy it sunk in with you, I don't think it has with me.

lol

let's leave it there

Me: You're not angry, right?

: I like to agree to disagree when someone's trying to convince me of something that I feel is complete bullshit. Which is reasonable because then they think that the fact that I think it's bullshit, is infact what's bullshit.

so it's equal

Me: Disagreeing is a fine option

I just don't want judgment passed on me because I liked a quote that you didn't.

: I hated that quote lol

It doesn’t bother me for you to enjoy the quote

just don't try to convince me of it

Me: stubborn =P

I'm only teasing of course!

: I am very very stubborn

oh well

Me: You have a good reason for hating it

: =P I'm not stubborn for no reason

I'm a smart alec

Me: That's the whole point of stubborn though. If you had a reason, you'd be reasonable. If you don't, you're stubborn.

: woah

I'm reasonable

but your quote was....

I have no words for it lol

Me: I was teasing. You're not stubborn about this. You just hate it for your reasons.

I'm not sucking up but I feel like I am. These arguments, they're petty discussions. They're playful and generally I laugh about them but I've had them end friendships or cause turbulence and generally I don't care because they're with online people who are just temporary anyway, but I feel like I'm being suck-up-ish to prevent that but I don't mean to be if you think I am. Maybe I'm digging a hole though and this adds to it.

I just want to make sure this is just a friendly debate and not anything actually serious

: of course it's serious

Me: :l

joking?

: no

why would I joke about something as serious as the conversation we just had?

Me: we were disagreeing, but just in a friendly way. Right?

: no.

we were disagreeing.

I don't think there's anything friendly about disagreeing on serious matters?

Me: is this going have an impact on us?

: how wouldn't it?

we just compared two religions and somehow you're very critical of other religions because you think everyone is a "sheep" but Buddhism is completely acceptable because they sell it so there's something deeper and more meaningful about religion in the Buddhist way.

Me: no

I didn't say that

I didn't say everyone is a sheep

: you think most people are

that's what you said

Here, in full panic mode, I scrolled through earlier discussion to see where I had said it because I knew I hadn’t called everyone sheep, just the doormats who let everything happen without questioning the doctrine. So I wasn’t look at the new IMs.

: WE ARE OVER COREY

lol

I'm just kidding

Me: I just said that sheep don't contribute to it.

: I'm kidding

that was funny

aww this would have been so much more fun if I actually got to see your reactions

Me: I know comedy is best when there's tension and release...but I think some medical professionals would say this tension shaved a few years off my already short life expectancy

I was holding my breath waiting for responses!

there were moments when I was slack jaw and scrolling through the conversation trying to see what I said wrong!

: lol

Me: That was too funny. Emphasis on *too*

: whaaat? it was funny

Me: *too*

=P

thank you for not letting it go on a minute longer

: Now you're just gonna die in a week if it's already taken off a few years!

YOU CANT

WE STILL HAVE LOTS TO DOO

Me: you'll have to do something to restore my spirits

: maybe

I'll think about it =P

Me: such a generous lady

: and very smart

Me: brilliant

who's better?

: nobody unfortunately

I've kinda broken the balance in the world

Me: I think you've restored balance. You balance out all the crazies

: Maybe

Maybe I’m just another crazy

lol

I think this was the best played tension moment ever!

I should've let it go longer but I was worried my charge would die out before I told you I was joking and then it would just be too mean

Me: Yes. A night of wondering would be too mean. Such a kindness you've given me by telling me

: Can’t have you crying over a joke

you were already crying in my dream last night

wait on a serious note, do I make you miserable?

Me: Only the situation has ever affected me like that (maybe you if you had lost charge before you told me! but still probably not).