Ch. 4

The first wave of brutes fell atop each other but the next batch trotted down the groaning slope. As they charged, I beat them back so they cracked their brain-buckets against the stone walls of the dungeons. I took quite a few knocks to the skull too, from fists and clubs and even a shoe that had fallen off a guy and been picked up by another in confusion. I was stood in the lead doorway to the jail, defending Bonnie and Nickel. “Will you actually help this time?” I asked.

He lazily rose and stomped the dusty stone floor. For a second the guards enjoyed traction under their black military boots, but spikes formed so that it was like they were stepping on the pointy end of nails. A few were lucky and just got toe rings, but most spikes pierced the soles and then curled and hook into the second or third metatarsal.  

“How is that not magic?!” I yelled and clobbered a guy who wouldn't go down so I hit him till he was ugly but by then he was out cold. He had just been kept standing by the nails in his feet.

“You think refrigerators are magic.” Nickel touched their Kevlar, which turned to liquid, and quite a few of the commandos went commando that day, and the ones wearing just white undershirts were revealed as big fat liars on the muscle-to-body-fat ratio they put on their medical forms.

Only one or two guys could come at once so it wasn't much of a to-do but I was getting tired of dealing with them while wiping away the blood that dribbled across my lip, eventually making my scruffy chin itch, but my nose wouldn't stop flowing thanks to that damn shoe.

Soon the guards were down and only O Lord High Lord of the Fairies, Uncle Bonnie, was left witnessing our excellence. But there were enough goose eggs and crushed ribs as evidence should anyone doubt our story in the pub later. And if they still didn't believe us, we’d force them into a reenactment. That’d impress them. However, Uncle Bonnie cared little for the results. “You boys sure are impressive,” he droned. The floor raised and tossed the unconscious goons aside and where Uncle Bonnie stepped steps formed till he was at our level.

The bodies blocked us into the cell, which was an easily defensible area but difficult to escape with a worthy, if ancient, enemy in front.  He clapped his hands and the floor spikes returned to flat dusty stone with a few chips near the corners. The water evaporated to steam and sweat dripped down my back. He was old, well-practiced at his alchemy. He knew as much as any master, including that Nickel and I would have him beat the moment we made a move.  “Are you familiar with the milka? It’s a secret amongst even most alchemists. A tradition lost on the younger generations. Most think it’s just ceremony for women to prepare them for pregnancy and marriage. But it requires a bit more than iron and carbon and water and gold. The reason many are just ceremonies is they forget important ingredients. But you boys have brought us two of what we were waiting for, and Bonnie here can finally be useful to us.”

“Hey, I clean all the toilets.” She was still lying down, chained to the bars.

“Most alchemists are happy with one child after a milka,” Uncle Bonnie said. “But Bonnie will be having twins. Powerful ones it seems.” The old man eyed us. “Your souls are greatly appreciated sacrifices.” He slapped the wall and the fluorescent tubes on the ceiling lights morphed and the white opaque coverings were soon purple. When they lit up, a trap was cast upon us. “There are a few rules placed upon an alchemist. He cannot change lead into gold or anything for that matter, and he cannot escape a demon trap.”

O Lord High Lord of the Fairies Uncle Bonnie was outside the trap with all the powers of the cosmos at his fingertips and each alchemist inside was sapped of their magic, which was really what kept them standing despite injuries.

“I think a third rule is forks on the left, spoons on the right,” I said.  “Or is that backwards?”

“Are Americans always crass, even when desperate?” he asked. “See the two uneven rings? This trap is specially engineered to transfer your souls to my niece’s womb. Give it a few minutes and you’ll feel even your mouth drained. You can die with dignity, in silence.”

That was good for a chuckle. “Desperate?” I walked towards the door, towards the edge of the black lit square at the edge of the trap that kept all alchemy inside.

The geezer was on the other side, grinning, safe from any alchemist’s wrath. I grinned right back. Our teeth, both sets a bit crooked and yellow, reflected off one another till he was unamused by my defiance. I wiped my still dripping nose. It was a bit tender to the touch.

“You know, I don’t know a bit of alchemy.”

His smile disappeared completely.

When I was done with him, I tossed one of his Italian loafers at the lights to free Nickel. Glass speckled him but he was the better for it. And my rage had passed from giving a noogie to the old man. He wouldn't be punished or anything, but at least he’d wake up with an aching crown.

~

We were having a hard time and we wouldn't speak about it. She had trouble with that so she didn't say much at all. It’s a petty observation, really, but she looked good even when sad. She looked better smiling and even just content, but still her sad eyes looked nice too and when she pouted her lips seemed fuller, more kissable. Maybe it’d cheer her spirits. I still hadn't admitted anything though, though I was constant chatter today. I was surely repeating a few funny stories, like my starving dog and waffle story, but she didn't comment on that. At best, she’d smile when I looked at her for a response and then she’d say sorry and I’d say sorry too. I was leaving for America in a month.

“We’ll make it work,” I said smiling, hoping it was as contagious as the cold we shared. “There’s Facebook.”

“I don’t have Facebook.”

“Skype?”

“My webcam’s broken.”

“We can still talk with it.”

“All you’ll hear is a buzzing.”

“That’s okay.”

“Okay,” she said.

She didn't have any coffee today. It was a frigid day. I had offered my winter jacket since she just had her fuzzy ear muffs and leather jacket cinched with a scarf and not even gloves but she didn't accept it. I offered my coffee—I could finally stomach it if there was a lot of sugar and whipped cream—as a hand warmer.  She was looking away when I offered and just said “No.”

“I’m sorry I have to leave,” I said.

“Okay.” She tightened her scarf and adjusted her fuzzy earmuffs.

“No, I mean in a month. I've already got the ticket and my parents want me home for the holidays and I haven’t seen my dog lately and I have this list of 20 foods that I haven’t had while in Wales. Pretty much everything at Taco Bell is on the list.”

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.” It was very cold today. We were the only ones outside.

“I really am sorry.”

“We knew it was coming.”

“I didn't know you’d be upset,” I said and leaned on the table and sucked on my straw. The sunken cherry clogged it. “Guess that means you kind of like me.” I tried smiling at her again.

“I’m not upset,” she said.

“Oh.”

Some Christmas shoppers passed with bags hung from the tips of their fingers. Germany had decorated its streets, though not in the gaudy way America does. There were white lights strung from street posts to another nearby. Small trees were erected and covered in tinsel. Advent calendars were advertised in windows, next to shoe ornaments and little candies. The rooftops were barren but the breath of shoppers fogged the air.

“Maybe we could do something to celebrate Christmas,” I said. “I know you’re not Christian. Me neither, not really, but it could just be a good way to say ‘It’s been fun.’”

She considered the suggestion while staring at an overflowing trash bin. “What do you want?”

“A lap dance?” I joked. “No, but really, anything. We could even make the gifts! Or have it be something cheap.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay to a lap dance?”

It was the first real smile I got out of her that day. The polite smiles didn't count. “Maybe. It’s a surprise.” She breathed into her trembling, purple hands and I offered my coffee and she put her hands around it. And she sipped it and left her lipstick on the straw.

“I need to know so I don’t get you a lap dance too! That’d be embarrassing. For everyone watching.”

“Who’d be watching?” she asked. She couldn't hide her teeth anymore. I had pulled her out of her funk and it all it took was an inappropriate joke about her lovely behind. It had a nice shape that was unexpected as she was quite thin. I wonder if under her shirt was the same.  

“I assumed we’d exchange gifts at a cafe. Where else would we meet? So all the coffee drinkers would get a show.”

She loved to tease. I think because she knew I liked to be teased. “Then I guess I’ll have to think of something that won’t get me arrested for doing in public.”

“We could go elsewhere for a change.”