Ch. 5

I was out the door the minute I saw the email, which was only by luck because I couldn't sleep from too many coffees that I took only to get myself through these final exams since the Brits went months without assignments and suddenly, or not so suddenly if I paid attention to the syllabus earlier in the semester, there was a twenty-page paper due about how John Donne's poem The Flea was paced similar to sex which was a brilliant observation but a bit awkward since there'd be two professors marking it and one was a hot Italian and the other was a warty old man with false teeth. I was a bit hyped up. So I got up and checked my email for another teasing message. 

Instead I saw "Please let this email ring your phone and wake you. I know I just saw you yesterday and I'll see you again Thursday but please...could you come to me now? Where we first met."

The email didn't ring my phone though because, to save money, I had kept my US phone instead of getting a British phone and, again to save money, I had turned off cellular data since it was priced thirty bucks for twenty megs which meant downloading the monthly update for the Facebook app (that I hardly used even in the US) cost thirty bucks for bug fixes. So I saw the email by chance. Or fate or psychic powers that only exist during times of intense wishing. I saw it only ten minutes after it was sent. She had never asked for anything, not even advice or if I was free this weekend or that. Everything I did for her was my own idea. And though I had promised I'd do anything, she said she never needed anything and that I did enough by just listening to her complain about her family. I replied, "OK" and ran out the door. 

Then I came back and grabbed a flowery little box that I meant to wrap but never found a place that sold paper. 

~

After our victory, we got on a coach with Bonnie headed for Edinburgh. We were the only ones on the bus and we sat in one row with Bonnie and Nickel paired so their knees touched. He had a scrape on his elbow. It didn't bleed, but it was a bit red. 

"You really saved me," she said to him putting her hand on his shoulder. 

The grumpy driver almost kicked me off when he saw my busted face. My nose had bled so much that it looked like O Lord High Lord of the Fairies had smashed a tomato to it. And it was crooked and my eye cut and shirt stained and knuckles raw and I reeked. 

"I'm not really sure how to thank you. I've never had someone rescue me before." Before we left, we had gathered her belongings from her room and she had changed to a top that let her bosom breathe a bit more as it was sheer and low-cut. 

"No worries," Nickel said. Nickel smelled ripe too but that was his usual hygiene. And Bonnie wasn't much better, though her stench was sweeter. "Maybe take us to a pub next time." He spent a few minutes inquiring about her life and she was quick to tell him how she was forever alone though she was quite a wild girl on Ladies' Nights and soon he was out and she stared at his curly locks and lanky good-looks. I sat across the aisle, holding some stolen panties to my nose. They soaked up blood well. 

The windows were dark. We swerved between stone fences, some collapsed, and sped up hills and sometimes the engine would go quiet near the top and we'd slow down and it felt as if we were rolling back down but then the engine growled and got over the peak and coughed on the other side. 

"What'll you do now?" I asked. "You got anyone to stay with?" 

"I don't really know. It's all so sudden."

"Life's like that," I told her. Outside the window, under a street light at an intersection in a rural town, a sheep with blue paint on its back crossed the street and went toward a ditch. It was bright with grass. The ditch was flooded from recent rains. The sheep got swept away and drowned. They were stupid animals. 

  

"I had a pretty good life before. My uncle wasn't so bad to me. Rude and demanding, but no villain. I had money for beer and a lot of food and a place to throw up. Now I don't even know where to go. I know he saved me and all," she said looking to Nickel drooling against the window. "But I had a pretty good life before."

"We saved you." I was pouting. I never got any credit. Screw them. They could go off and have smelly babies together for all I cared. 

Nickel and I got off at Edinburgh. Bonnie kept going into the Highlands. Before the coach left, she asked me through the window, "Why'd he try so hard to save me? We're practically strangers." Nickel was already wandering toward a hostel with a bed. 

"We thought someone else might've been there." 

The coach crept through the quiet hamlet and Bonnie shouted, "I hope you find your girlfriend!" loud enough to wake everyone but the stupid sheep. 

~

Soon I was in Germany at a cafe that was closed and all the chairs had been taken inside. The streets were lit by electric lights but soon the sun would be coming up. A sprinkling of snow filled the grooves between cobblestones. The wind swept it away. 

My heart had stopped its fervor on the train over, but it kicked up again and I could feel it in my big toe (the left one). It wasn't from a caffeine overdose though. I had my hand on the box and folded scrap of paper which got crinkled from handling. 

I called her. "I'm here. Is everything okay?" It was an emergency and she was distraught but when I heard her voice, I smiled. All she said was "Okay."

My eye was green from boxing. I had hoped it'd darken more by Friday but since we were seeing each other early, it'd have to do. She'd ask about it and I'd tell her this daring tale of a friendly bout between me and an amateur champ and I'd punch and duck and weave right in the street to display my bravery. Only a few details might get fudged. Like he wasn't the amateur champ, just some bloke.

We were together thirty minutes later. "Sorry for making you wait," she said. I didn't tell her my tale and she didn't ask about my bruise--maybe it was too dark to see. It wasn't too dark to see hers. We sat in an alley between the streets where the wind didn't reach through the cracks in our clothes. I had brought my coat but it was cold enough for layers. I should've checked the weather. She wore what might've been all she owned, but each layer was thin save for the penultimate one, a sweater I had bought her. It was thick and fleece and admittedly not her color, but I hadn't known then what colors would look less than stellar on her. I hadn't known colors like that existed! But I guess there was at least one, and I had found it. Still, she was beautiful. And the ugly sweater was covered by her coat, except the collar. 

"I'm the one who made you wait." I was killing the conversation with my quietness, but nerves were killing my ability to link words. I had to shove them through my teeth and so they came out in excited shouts. "Hours in fact! Only because no one's invented a teleporter yet. You're smart--you should get on that." 

"I'm glad the email woke you." The streets were dull and lit by the reflection of street lamps off swirling snow and frosted store windows. She kept peeking out the alley. "I have to leave a little earlier than I thought. That's why I called you out." 

"Where are you going? Back to Balochistan?" I asked. 

"Don't worry about it." 

"I wasn't really worried. I was just curious." 

She was lost in the slanting shadows. "I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I called you out but I can't even talk. Sorry. I had to see you again. One last time."

I fiddled with the flowery box. It was sealed with a ribbon that I rubbed till it was frayed. I had untied it after the clerk had done such a neat job of making a bow but I had to look at it daily to remind myself that she'd love it. "It doesn't have to be the last time. Come visit some time. You can stay at my house. Even in my room. My bed's plenty big but I like to cuddle." I gripped the box. "Or you could just come with me." 

She glanced out to the street as someone walked by. They looked back but found us uninteresting and kept walking. "No. This is it for us. So I thought I'd give you this book. To remember me. It's actually something I stole from our library. It's a real alchemy book. Very old. I've read it about a hundred times. Maybe you'll like it too. You're a curious guy so surely you'll enjoy reading it."

"Of course," I said slowly taking the book. I had to let go of the box in my pocket. It wasn't very big but it was very old and the leather was worn and taut. "You stole it? And what do you mean this is it for us?" It was a lot to take in. "Can't we be pen pals? I'll send post cards. I've bought about a hundred since coming here. And we can write letters and send pictures and there's the internet! And...and...why does this have to be the end?" 

"Cory, I'm getting married."

I dropped the book in snow ruined by pollution. I hugged her. "I'm so sorry." I squeezed some tears out. 

"This was always the end for us. You'll go back to America and you'll forget about me and you were supposed to forget about me after you went back to Wales that first time but you kept coming back and I should've stopped you because I was just making it harder on us but I was selfish and held onto this when I shouldn't have. I was stupid. I'm really sorry."

"Run away with me."

"I can't."

"I'll buy your ticket out of here. You really can stay with me but we have a guest bedroom and my parents won't mind. They've got plenty of food and you're so thin you can't possibly eat much. I'll go on a diet if they mind the extra groceries and you can eat what I normally would. I'll lose weight and you'll gain some." 

"I don't have my passport. My uncle has it locked up. It's like he knows I'd leave if I could." 

"So you would? You'd leave with me?" 

"I wasn't supposed to let it get this far!" 

"We'll go to Wales. They won't find us there and I'll get a job and you can too if you want or you can stay at home and you won't even have to clean unless you want to."

"Cory! Stop!" she cried. "I can't. There's nothing we can do. If I leave, it'll destroy my family. They'll be shamed. No one else will have a chance to get married and they actually want this life. They'll lose the business. It'll kill my parents."

"What about you? Huh?" I yelled in a whisper. It was crazy how self-conscious we were even during distress. Social mores and norms weighed us down when we just wanted to scream about how fucking stupid everything was. Especially the platypus. "You're going to marry some guy whose name you don't even know! He'll force you to have kids. I know you don't want kids unless you can adopt a cute Asian baby! Your wedding night will basically be rape! and it'll be your first time! I know it won't be special no matter who it's with but this is absolutely nuts! Your second relationship shouldn't be forced marriage!"

"Please calm down!" She was in tears. Her big beautiful eyes were red and weeping. "You shouldn't worry about those. They're my problems. I'll be okay!" She put on a gorgeous fake smile. 

"What about me!? I won't be okay!"

"You'll move on. You'll find someone else. Just let go now and it'll pass." 

"I'm telling you it won't! Ever!"

"You think that now because you're in the moment, but please just try to get past this and you'll see. You'll be okay." 

"I don't want to be okay! I want to be with you! I want to be happy!" I sat in snow so my butt was wet. 

"It'll be okay." She sat with me, put her arm around me. It was the most touching we had really done. We never hugged. We never kissed (I always wanted to but only suggested it jokingly because I was scared if I seriously offered she'd say no and if it was a joke it was okay for her to say no or to say nothing like she usually did). And now we were wrecks and she held me. SHE! She was about to be traded off to some family friend as repayment for helping their family start in a lucrative business endeavor. She was payment! She was money to these fucking idiots! She was worth a helluva lot more. And yet she was trying to comfort me. What a woman. What an unbelievable woman. God, I love her. 

"It'll be okay? For who? Not for me! Not for you! Fuck everyone else!" 

"I'm sorry." She retreated into the alley, to the dead end. "Please don't be mad. Not you. You can't be mad at me. I don't handle fights well and you're the one person who can't be mad at me." She sobbed now and wiped at her cheeks but the tears kept coming. Mine were freezing to my wispy scruff.

I sucked up a big wad of snot which flapped around in my nose and throat. I either had to spit or swallow. I swallowed to spare her the disgust. "I'm not. We've never fought and we never will. I'm angry at them. Your family. Your stupid fucking family." 

She said something but it was in a whisper between sobs. I told her I couldn't hear her and I leaned in closer. She smelled great. Why was I thinking that? Why was I thinking about the taste of skin or the color of her nipples? Why wasn't I thinking of a way out? Why was I thinking about sex when the woman that I loved and wanted to marry was crying right in front of me? Was I that big of scum? Or was sex just consolation for tragedy? "I feel like I ruined your life." 

"No," I resisted. 

"I never thought you'd react like this. And I never thought I'd let this go so far. But you seemed to care about me. You were always honest and sweet and funny and charming and a little arrogant but you weren't afraid to tell embarrassing stories or say weird things. And you never really said much about it, but I always felt like you really..." She trailed off. "No, sorry. Not now. I can't be embarrassed to admit it now. You have to know. I always felt like you really loved me. And maybe I just wanted to think that because I--because I really loved you too." 

"I do." And I couldn't do anything. I had my hand in my pocket for warmth and felt the box and felt it crush down to the cheap little metal ring that would've turned her finger green but she would've worn it anyway because she has a generous soul. She was perfect. And I told her that. And I talked to her in every way that I knew how. I was sweet. I told her funny stories. I hugged her--a lot. I cried and I apologized. I recited poems I had memorized and summarized stories that I liked and suggested authors that were happy and funny and maybe she'd like them. And I talked about us as though we still had a chance, though it felt like fantasy too often. "I love you." 

I promised her I'd start a blog and fill it with all the things I'd normally say to her and she didn't have to comment or anything, but she could read it and her husband or family or whoever wouldn't get suspicious because she read lots of blogs. And I wouldn't give out the link to anyone and I'd check the stats daily and when I saw that there was a new view, I'd know she was still reading. And I told her I'd write something everyday if I could, even if she stopped reading and she promised to never stop reading and I promised to never stop writing but she made me promise to stop if I ever met someone and moved on and she also made me promise to try to move on which I did, but I was lying. Sorry. 

Finally we had to say goodbye. I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't. I couldn't give her the ring. And I couldn't say goodbye either. She did. Instead I was quiet, crying still, and thankfully it was sunny and the frost on my cheeks had melted. And when she was nearly down the alley, I yelled, "I'll save you! I swear to god I will! Please don't stop believing that." 

~

Nickel and I had the room to ourselves but we had been assigned beds. I had bed two and he got bed eight. Ten were empty. There were stale bread crumbs in mine. 

"That's another lead that led nowhere," he said. "Think we ought to give it a rest?" 

"No." 

"It's been three years. The ceremony might already be done." 

"Maybe."

"She might not even be alive."

"I don't care." I was nearly asleep. 

Then he asked, "Why are we trying so hard for this girl? It'd be easier to just let her go. Out of sight, out of mind. Start to move on. You did all you could and more than anyone could've asked. Maybe it's time you go back home." 

I was quiet, brooding over an answer, fighting off practicality that was hard to hear but easy to refuse. "No."

"Why not?"

"I haven't even seen her naked yet!"